Oh man, thank God this season is drawing to a close (except for the excruciating reunion show(s)). Really, Miss Andy? Do you think this season of RHoNY is worthy of standing next to NJ or BH, ATL or even OC? (I'm deliberately ignoring Miami and DC, because, I mean, you know.) So we'll all drag ourselves across the finish line with these incredibly petty, mean-spirited bitches.
Not recapping previouslies because it's always the same old shit. They all think of reasons to be mad at all times so they can get screen time but they all lead such boring, meaningless lives that it's all just stupid pettiness. God, I miss Bethenny. I watched Season 1 the other day and it was so good and so fun and they were edited so they were actually likable, if you can imagine that.
So the stupid Countess and her horrendous producer talking about her abomination of a "pop" song and Natalie Cole walks in. Guess she's back on the heroin because she must be hard up to lower herself to working with Luann. This is so embarassing. Nat King Cole is rolling in his grave right now. Now Natalie Cole is offering to sing at Luann's one-year anniversary with Jacques party. With Luann. Miss Andy must be blowing someone at Natalie's house. What sequence of events could possibly result in Natalie Cole lowering herself to this degree?
Now Alex and Simon arrive chez Ramona. Simon asks some sort of leading question about having babies and Ramona seems up for it. Avery thinks she should, so she's into it. I love how Ramona and Mario let Avery make their life decisions for them. They won't be so hot for it when she's picking out the nursing home. You know Avery's first priority will be cost-effectiveness. She's Ramona's girl, after all. Avery tells us that Ramona still has her period. Thanks, Avery.
Now Sonia and her fake boyfriend Brian arrive. They are having dinner and talking about names and Sonia is going to keep Morgan if she ever remarries because she got such a good deal on stationery. Huh? Sonia is so fucking depressing with no money.
Luann calls and Alex gets up from the table to take it (rude) and invites Alex to the anniversary party. Now they're all on the phone? Sonia is checking her Blackberry while she bitches about how Cindy took a call at the table at her house while she was cooking. Hello Pot? This is Kettle. You're black.
Now more of Alex's "modeling." Her horrible skin and horrible laugh...just tragic. She talks about how hip and edgy the magazine is and asks the dude in charge if she is cool enough to be in his magazine. He looks highly doubtful. He is talking to her like she is his Nana and he is totally humoring her. Simon comes to pick her up and she is running late. He informs everyone that Alex and Lady Gaga and Rhianna made the same worst dressed list. Maybe he made a mistake because his leather dashiki should have put him on some kind of list. Maybe a list of fuckin' crazy people. He is rushing her because they will have to pay the nanny an extra hour. STFU, Simon.
So Cindy and Sonia meet up. This should go well. Cindy even says that she doesn't know why they keep trying but they do. I agree. Stop trying. And while you're at it, Miss Andy, dump fuckin' Cindy. She is the most humorless bitch ever with those huge veneers. I can't stand her. Now they are talking about that breakfast shit again. Cindy thinks Sonia's crazy. Sonia thinks Cindy's rude. Neither of them listen, they just talk. Sonia namechecks the Churchills. I can't stand it. This is the conversation they are going to have all the way through all 20 hours of the reunion.
I could have gotten up and poured another drink by now because these hos are still bitching about this fuckin' breakfast. Oop. Cindy finally walked away. Thank God.
Finally, Ramona's walking into Sonia's house. They are both wearing jeggings. I love these two together. Can we get rid of all those other hos and just have these two hos? Ramona's boobs are huge and she thinks she might be pregnant. Isn't she like 54? She's late. That's gotta be menopause, right? No chance those old eggs are cookin'. Sonia says that the fact that her dogs are sniffing all around Ramona proves that she is pregnant. Never heard that old wive's tale before, but it's cute.
Here's the anniversary party. Luann's boyfriend says he "didn't see it, one year." I don't know quite what that means except I think he's saying he didn't think they would last that long. Luann looks annoyed.
Simon is snapping at Alex and being a huge turd. What is going on with them? I thought they were always lovey-dovey. Jill is being a bitch, as usual, and saying that this needs to be an engagement party because you can't have a one-year dating party. According to her it would be like Ramona's 17-year vow renewal.
Now Alex and Simon are tweeting all the way through the party and Kelly does not like it. Sonia and Ramona walk in in matching leopard and you know Jill has something bitchy to say while she stuffs her face with hors d'ouvres. Then she announces that Ramona and Sonia are responsible for keeping everyone waiting and the boat not leaving on time. She tells Luann that she needs to say something to them, to which Luann says, "I don't have to do that. This is my night." Oh snap. Luann not jumping in to bitch on Jill's orders? Has the whole world gone mad?
Jacques seems baffled that the boat is moving. Like, really it seems to have been a total surprise to him.
Oops, when Ramona refuses Pinot, everyone realizes something is up. Ramona hasn't told Mario anything about her uterus but she is looking at him all cute. She now decides to play a little guessing game with him. He is freaking out a little. He looks pretty happy. It's kind of cute. Those crazy kids. Ramona says, "I don't know if we're ready to have another baby." They both die laughing over that. I love the shit out of Ramona. Mario (correctly) guesses that she already told Sonia and Ramona says, "Of course I told Sonia."
That bitch Jill in a talking head says, "At this age, it's not because you're pregnant, it's because menopause is knocking at the door." I would give my big toe for Ramona to be pregnant just so Jill would be wrong. I hate her with a passion. She is stuffing her face at the dinner, too. What is going on with her? Maybe she has some sort of glandular disorder.
WWHL will have Sonia and Luann. Luann will be singing. Why, God, why?
Mario is whispering in Sonia's ear and they are all giggly and all those bitches are staring. You know they all think those two are shtupping.
Luann pulls her son Noel to escort Natalie Cole who is hiding as a surprise to Jacques. Does Jacques know who Natalie Cole even is? Where are they hiding Natalie Cole? Why did she volunteer for this?
And Ramona and Sonia go in the bathroom together so now I guess Jill thinks they are doing it? Sonia brought a pregnancy test in her purse for Ramona to take. Jill is now screaming through the door at the two of them because "that's not cool." Now she's knocking on the door. She is also standing there with her poochy belly sticking out. Guess those shapers aren't working. Then she goes back to the party and announces that they're in the bathroom together and Luann deduces that they're trying to "steal [her] thunder." Does your thunder involve peeing, Luann? Bobby says this is a Page 6 moment. Then he demands to know what's going on. He's acting as obnoxious as Jill.
Apparently Ramona couldn't pee because she was too nervous. Jill puts everything together from the silly hints Sonia drops and that's when she announces that Ramona is too old to be pregnant to Luann and Jacques and everybody else. She is the nosiest bitch ever. So Luann says something ugly about Ramona's age.
Natalie Cole comes in and truly I don't think Jacques knows who she is. He knows he should act impressed, but I don't think he really gets it. Sonia says Natalie is an old friend of hers. Jill says Natalie was a good surprise but not the one she had decided they should have. Then Natalie Cole sings and it really shows off how completely off-key Luann sings. It's just the worst. How can Luann stand this? I can hear if I am off-key and Luann appears totally oblivious. I think she is actually tone-deaf. This is a travesty. Jacques looks like he could give a shit less. Ramona lies and says it was great. Luann grabs Jacques' face and kisses him and he doesn't even pucker up. Then Natalie Cole gives them a Tiffany box with (presumably) an anniversary gift. What the hell? Clearly she killed someone and Miss Andy is covering it up.
Ramona finally peed on that stick and they cut to commercial. Bastards.
Jill and Bobby just had their 10 year anniversary. Poor guy. Ally has changed to a new school down South.
Alex and Simon have done nothing.
Sonia says no one needs to feel sorry for her, even though she's lost everything.
Cindy pretends she had fun and is happy.
Kelly wants a boyfriend to beat up on.
Ramona is not pregnant so I guess that means she's going through the change.
Luann would like to get with Jacques but then she'd have to give up her title.
Then they all stand outside and drink champagne and act like they like each other. Luann says they're like family. Well, that's the woman who only sees her children on the weekends, so I guess that's true.
And that's it for an incredibly boring season. See you after the reunion(s)!
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