DVR started early, so I missed Cat’s dramatic monologue. Well, we know how it ended, don’t we? This…is So You Think You Can Dance.
Please welcome your top 16 dancers: Miranda and Robert, Ashley and Chris, Jail Baitlynn and Mitchelbow, Sasha Fierce and Alexander, Melanie and Marko, Clarice? and Jess, Not Tryan’ and Ricky, Joracist and Taddpole. These are the girls. And here are your guys.
Cat is resplendent this evening in a glittery flapper number with a curly bob. It’s all very Gatsby tonight. She promises a fun show tonight, but I’m distracted by the Christmas tinsel hanging from her ears. The audience recognizes that she’s the real star of the show and won’t stop screaming for her. She says there are 10 routines tonight (only 8 couples so I’m guessing the boys do one and the girls do one?) and 4 judges. Oh no.
Ok, it’s Lil’ C who is the choreographer for this show’s sad attempts at Krumping. He’s amusing. Mary Murphy, naturally. Nigel “Trump Card” Lythgoe. Aaaaand, Kristin Chenoweth! I kind of love her or did before I heard she’s getting ready to release a country album just now. That sounds terr to the ible. She’s also possibly more tanned than Mary Murphy and has taken on bobble head proportions. Maybe not aging super-gracefully is all I’m saying. She says the show inspires her every week. Mmm-kay. Cat smells dookie and rapidly asks Lil’ C what he’s been up to. C says he’s been “a busy little buckster, you know? Maintaining my buckness and what not.” Ha. Enjoying him already. He’s got a rap album coming out. Sonofabitch, not EVERYONE needs an album.
Ok so Cat explains we will have all the couple danced plus two group numbers which 8 people each. Nice. The judges aren’t commenting on the group routines (thank God) but they will be taken into consideration when the eliminations happen. I’m so sure.
Ugh, hellfire. The first group number is choreographed by Tyce. We’ve had a few blissful weeks without him then he has to slither his way back into this thing and spoil all the fun. This number is about showing the strength of the girls. The Dark Lord wants the girls to dominate then Mitchelbow hilariously interviews that he “wants to dominate the girls” but no one believes him because glitter and rainbows are literally falling out of his mouth as he speaks. There are chairs and Not Tryan’ is irritating (shocking). Let’s see how it looks.
“Hit the Road Jack” by Ray Charles. I actually don’t hate it as much as I hate most of his things, which is damning with faint praise, but there ya go. The camera work is terrible. Why don’t they point the camera at the stage and let us watch the thing? They keep zooming in on strange parts and (bien sur) doing close-ups of Not Tryan’ so it’s hard to get a feel for the entire thing. The costumes are atrocious and the chairs, I think, at some point are a hindrance rather than a help, but overall it was mildly pleasant.
After the break, Cat tells us that we get to hear stories about each dancer’s very first performance. I will not be discussing those here because no, I will not.
Sasha Fierce and Alexander will be doing a contemporary routine (how lucky that the two contemporary dancers randomly pulled contemporary out of the hat! *cough*bullshit*cough*) choreographed by Dee Caspary, who is unfamiliar to me and has some seriously sculpted eyebrows. It’s a love story. She’s a memory of a former love affair and he has the key to her heart and there’s a piano? And tapping into her…soul. Ugh. I don’t know. Let’s just go to the dance.
“Belong”by Cary Brothers. There’s a giant prop piano on the stage that just kind of seems unnecessary. What in the hell is he wearing? I’m distracted. It’s very contemporary-y. He throws her around and they make a lot of movements that don’t look natural and the end is just her hands through the piano? I know it sounds like I am just hating on contemporary all the time, but I’m really not. I love really good contemporary routines, but I think a lot of these are more about the feelings they provoke than the dances themselves. Play sad piano music and talk about lost love and people are going to react strongly. To me, the best pieces are the ones that have choreography that is just as stunning as the mood being created and this one did not do that for me, although I’m sure the judgery loved it.
Dee Caspary is crying at his own routine in the audience. He’s on my list. Nigel thought it was a good start then talks about her being a beautiful princess of dance. Where’s my puke bucket? Alex(ander) doesn’t connect with the audience enough, says Sir Lythgoe. Mary thought they “pulled it off” and are very strong dancers. She says a lot of other things but her dangly pinky ring is distracting me. Kristin says Sasha Fierce is amazing (which she is) and Alex(ander) had plenty of connection for her then mentions her hair extensions. Cat has a girl crush on her, which is adorable. Lil’ C says it looked effortless and Sasha Fierce is “8 notches above perfection” which is exactly the kind of strange thing he will say throughout the evening.
Jail Baitlynn and Mitchelbow will be dancing a Jean Marc choreographed Samba. I’ve said it before but I love this little nugget of a man. Jail Baitlynn is totally living up to her nickname by wearing a sports bra and tiny fringed skirt for their rehearsals. Mitchelbow doesn’t notice, obviously. Jean Marc does not want their hips to lie. We’ll see if they do.
“Put it in a Love Song” by Alicia Keys. Jail Baitlynn’s costumes looks like they stapled rags to a gold bikini. Not becoming. Mitchelbow is pulling “fierce” faces that are borderline laughable. They are terrible. It’s just uncomfortable. They are missing transitions and forgetting to move the hips when they are supposed to. The song is awful for this too. I would just like it to be over as soon as possible please. It only makes it obvious how much they are lacking a ballroom person (Ahem, Iveta).
Cat says they were bootylicious. Ha. Mary says something completely unintelligible and says it was spectacular. Huh? Then says Jail Baitlynn was loose…as a compliment. Interesting. She says that he didn’t look cheesy dancing this. Really? We disagree. Kristin wants everyone to shut the front and back doors then jokes about opening and shutting legs. C wants ventilation because it’s so hot. I’m definitely missing something. I do not agree. Nigel says verbatim “Last week Jean Marc exposed Wadi’s weakness in the ChaCha, but this week he exposed your strength in the Samba.” Fuck you, Nigel. There is literally NO point in bringing up Wadi’s routine from last week except to justify your own decision to send him home and keep all your contemporary dancers. The lady doth protest too much. Bleep bloop.
Miranda and Robert will be dancing a broadway number choreographed by Tom Riddle. Miranda is a high-class hooker and Robert is a “groovy cat” (his words, not mine, obviously) who is more into the music than her. Tom is nervous about it. I am nervous about his haircut.
“It Don’t Mean a Thing” by Sophisticated Ladies. She’s in a red dress hiked up to her hoo-hoo because she’s a hooker. Get it? I hate it. Robert is pulling faces. Miranda is fine. The choreography is atrocious. A lot of running around the stage punctuated with stagnant elements. The music is super-distracting because there’s tapping in the actual track but the dancers aren’t tapping. The hell? There are a million versions of this song; use the one that goes with your dancing, Marvolo! Maybe if you still had a TAPPER on the show this would have worked? Hate.
Kristin, the broadway baby, can offer no suggestions for improvement? I can. Miranda: be memorable. Robert: stop pulling faces. Nigel: fire Tyce. C is awed by Miranda and says she doesn’t need arms because she has great legs? Huh. Robert has planetary-alignment levels of personality. I don’t get it either but what do you expect from the guy wearing glasses without the glass? Nigel agrees with “Little” C and says Miranda is most improved. Robert is a hip-hop dancer (the only one left) but could still do the lifts (holy shit!). Nigel’s smugness and blatant bias astounds me. He talked about the fact that Robert almost went home early in the season (episode one) but has grown so much and no one would have been able to see that if he had gone home. Yes, Nigel. Thank you. We get it. Supreme ruler of Danceland spared the mortal for us to wonder at in amazement. Miranda starts talking about how awesome Robert is. My puke bucket is filling up quick today. Mary didn’t recognize Miranda (ha! Oh, she means in a good way) and has a Paula moment about Robert, calling him a shiny star.
Melanie and Marko will be doing a lyrical hip-hop routine with Nappytabs. I’m over the lyrical hip-hop. It just seems like a way of watering it down to make it easier on the dancers. Lil’ C is here. Let’s see them try Krump! Premise: They’re best friends. Marko got left at the altar but halfway through, he realizes that he loves Melanie. Gotta empty the bucket now. When he falls, she’s there to catch him…or is she?
“I Got You” by Leona Lewis. Why Melanie is wearing this to her supposed best friend’s wedding, I have no idea. If some bitch rolled into my wedding in a circus costume and converse, I’d throw her out. It’s a cute routine, and they’re really talented. Marko is a little too springy in his steps, but I’m guessing that’s his training coming out. He needs to be a little more grounded, but Melanie really is stellar. She’s even winning me over through that hideous costume.
Cat is all atwitter. C says it was definitely buck. He makes a toolbox metaphor that is truly mind-bending, so I’ll refrain from reprinting it here. They are a power couple. I’ll agree. Nigel liked the premise and wont judge them individually, only as a couple. He says you cannot, at this stage, separate the individuals from their couples. Really?!? You did last week with Missy and Wadi. You did this week with Sasha Fierce and Alex(ander). To quote Lewis Black: Nigel must think we are no more than meat with eyes. They are the couple to beat and Marko starts crying. Mary loved it. Nigel kisses her. Cat looks appropriately horrified and says it’s like watching mom and dad kiss. Yea, if you hate your parents. “Gross” she says. Second. Mary sounds like a howler monkey and everything has gone to hell. Kristin gets philosophical and my bucket is just NOT going to get a break today.
Ashley and Chris are dancing a jazz routine choreographed by Sonya Tayeh who is completely and totally insane. Chris is a b-boy, so we’ll see. She is inspired by Beetlejuice and graveyards. I can deal with that. Could be fun. Chris says he’s just going to go for creepy and “not stress” about the technical side. Hope that works out for ya.
“Lights go Down” and Telepathe. Aaand it’s weird. Not in that “good weird” way that Sonya can do but in a just “weird weird” way. They clearly aren’t that into it either, so it’s sort of uncomfortable and also boring for being so off. The song is terrible too. This routine is not their fault. Give this to the all-stars Melanie and Marko and you’d still get something not great. Nigel is going to ignore his own advice and say that he didn’t connect with the music and the characters didn’t come out. That’s not the music, Nigel, it’s the choreography. Say it! Say it’s the choreography! He says there wasn’t enough heart and soul, ah yes, all the heart and soul of Beetlejuice was missing. Dumb. Mary thought they danced it clean and sharp. Kristin is really breaking out the accent now, y’all. She says she’s the Paula of SYTYCD because she didn’t connect to the number but thought they did an amazing job. C says Sonya asks you to do a character and gives the dance to a character? I don’t follow. He says they are the sleeper cell of this competition and he forgets about them until they are on stage. Thanks?
Clarice? and Jess (who is maybe my favorite, personality-wise) are dancing a Jean Marc (bless him) Foxtrot routine. Premise: Jess is a crooner and Clarice? makes him want to dance! He’s getting a little handsy and also slightly clumsy so Jean Marc slaps him around a bit and we’re off.
“Fly me to the Moon” by Sinatra. Love it. It’s just fun and ritzy and elegant. This is so much more his style than the contemporary. I can’t say anything else. Just watch it. It’s a delight.
Mary says it’s supposed to be “gliding, sophisticated and jazzy” which it WAS! She loved it, and she’s the resident ballroom expert. She needs to put her boobies back where they should be: in her dress, namely. Wow! Kristin says it’s her favorite performance of the night then calls Clarice? something along the lines of “Clare-iss” which must be a comfort to her. The compares them to the greats and is overwhelmed. C just said Jean Marc loves dance and, verbatim, “you two put a face on the smile of his heart” which means absolutely nothing. Nigel wants to compliment the costumers first then the dancers, which was, I grant you, nice of him. He loved this and didn’t make me hate him this critique. A good segment all around. Will it last?
No, because Not Tryan’ and Ricky are up next. Let me guess, they “pulled” a contemporary routine out of the “hat.” Yep. Sonya Tayeh contemporary. An emotional one. So Ashley and Chris get the weird one and judgey favorite gets the deeply emotional one. No rigging there, I’m sure. Premise: They are in love, but they are breaking up, but they are tied together, like, literally. It’s the “story of the fight to let go.” Not Tryan’ is crying in the rehearsal while wearing a bra and high-water spanx.
“With Every Heartbeat” by Robyn. I don’t know. It’s better than Sonya’s earlier routine, but I don’t think I can separate my dislike for Not Tryan from her dancing. I know they are supposed to look tied together, but half the time it looks like she’s on a leash or umbilical cord. Nope. Not my favorite. I’m sure the judges are going to be weeping and tearing their garments over it. They’re all imperiused by her.
Sonya’s crying over her own choreography tonight as well. Kristin looks tearful and talks about these emotional blah blahs…barf bucket. I can’t. Not Tryan’s pulling a Charlize Theron in “Monster” right now and has absolutely no make-up on. Not a good look in HD. C spouts some nonsense that is not interesting to me and is then talking about them being a power couple. He says they are getting standing ovations and I say that the audience is full of dumdums. Nigel says dance can inspire people and putting real emotions…there’s that word again. Then he talks about how wonderful the judges are for keeping Not Tryan last week because she turned out this kind of performance this week. Because I’m sure Nick and Iveta would have done the electric slide out there and called it a day, right Nigel? Mary says…bleep bloop.
Joracist and Taddpole are up next with a Nappytabs hip hop routine about waking up with a stranger in your bed after a rowdy night. Could be fun. There is literally a bed on stage. Joracist is super-uncomfortable with the routine even though she wants to be a Pussycat Doll. Uhuh.
“Memories” by Dave Guetta. Taddpole isn’t wearing a shirt and I’m completely ok with that. Stone. Cold. Fox. He gets to do some of his b-boy stuff. There are a few prop issues and Joracist looks a little uncomfortable in the choreography, but overall it’s a cute routine and a lot of fun. They look like they enjoyed themselves, rightfully so. Normally the "we had fun" thing isn't enough for me, but in this case with everyone crying and throwing fits, I'm glad to see a couple kids just be entertaining already.
Cat looks embarrassed about how the judging is going to go since they’re all a bunch of dirty old ladies. C makes a joke about Joracist not returning his calls last night. He loved it, but tells them to really get into the grooves. Nigel liked it because it brought back so many memories for him. I’m sure during prohibition these kinds of nights happened a lot for you, Nigel. He thought the story was better than the dance, but it was fun. He says they’re safe. Screw you. Mary still needs to tuck those puppies into her top, but loved it. Kristin wants everyone to shut the doors again because she’s out of jokes.
Second group performance. We’re wheezing into the finish line here. Dee Whathisface is back with a medieval contemporary routine about castles and stuff. Sure. They’re all trying to poison each other. The women are powerful and the men are in shock? Ok.
“Poison and Wine” by The Civil Wars. I think it’s neat, but the lights are barely on, so hard to tell. I hate the song with this. I thought it was going to be kind of fun/metal/dark, but it’s quiet and sweet. A sweet poisoning song. Dee is definitely on my list. The dancing is pretty but the song belongs with a different dance. What a weird, stupid routine.
Cat orders a martini (no, really) and dismisses us for the evening after recaps of the dances you just saw. Good thing too, because I totally forgot about at least three of these routines. Come back tomorrow blah blah...have a lovely evening, America.
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