You're only 16 once, except when it's twice.

Previouslies just show how bitchy and hateful these women are.  Topped off by Luann talking about how she has been nothing but friendly and kind.  I need a bottle of whatever pills she’s popping.

Ramona is taking her daughter Avery to look at the space for her Sweet 16 party.  As always, Ramona is completely superfluous to the process as Avery already has everything figured out.

Now Luann is taking Victoria to meet with her Sweet 16 pervert party planner who tells her that she “sure looks older than 16” as drool falls down his shirt.  Luann says that she is living vicariously through her daughter which is the most self-aware thing she has ever said.

And I guess there’s a theme developing because now here’s Ramona’s vicarious living through Avery’s party.  She won’t tell Avery how many of her [Ramona’s] friends she will be inviting.

Back to Victoria and they are talking about how competitive these types of parties are in New York and they are cutting back and forth between the two girls talking about themes and entrance pieces and venues.  Avery is having none of what her party planners are selling.  She is a little ice princess.  Victoria is being encouraged to have mocktails going down an ice luge.  Luann is getting defensive because, rightly, she sees that she is going to come across looking like she’s encouraging her daughter and her friends to “pretend” drink.

Here’s Jill and her sister Lisa meeting Sonja and they are talking about the cosmetic procedure Jill is about to have.  She has brought her sister to make sure that Sonja understands the bankruptcy stuff that she is doing.  Does Sonja not have professional help so that she doesn’t have to have Jill Zarin’s sister explain this to her in a plastic surgeon’s waiting room?  I guess this is just the opportunity for Sonja to defend herself and explain her situation. 

Now Jill is going to get all her fillers, something she calls a liquid facelift.  Mother fucker, she is getting a lot of needle sticks.  I would die.  I hate Jill, but she is hard core if she can take all that.  I would be crying like a baby.  Jill is just sort of humming and moaning quietly.

So now they are at Chez Josephine for something and Cindy is saying she needs to suck on a piece of bread.  Is her tooth broken again?  Oh, Luann is throwing a surprise party for Jill’s birthday.  Apparently this place is owned by the son of Josephine Baker.  That is awesome.  He looks like a low-rent Elton John.  That is not awesome.

Simon and Alex arrive and Simon is wearing a dashiki.  I am quite confused.

Oh, now Ramona and Luann just found out their daughters’ parties are on the same date.  The hair on the back of their necks stand on end and they arch their backs as they compare the places where they are having their parties, how many people are coming, what’s the theme…so obnoxious.  They are both having Winter Wonderland themes, just for the record.  I know you were concerned.

There is a burlesque performer there and a cross dresser and Ramona just lost her mind.  Why are those people there?  It’s like they’re being treated like entertainment, but they’re guests?  Jill comes in and does not appear surprised.  Too much liquid facelift, I guess.  Ramona runs for the door and grabs Jill and Luann gets jealous.   

Okay, Josephine Baker’s son looks like a white dude.  I don’t get it.

So they’re all drinking and Ramona is upset because she has to stay in her seat.  It’s hard having the impulse control of a toddler.  I feel for Ramona.

Oh my God, Luann’s boyfriend Andre or Francois or Russ or whatever is playing the piano and Cindy has a big white wig on and she is reading a poem.  Now Kelly (who was late) is weirdly talking about Jill while talking about how she was doing something with Parker Pens.  Is that a euphemism?  Then Bawby says she’s his lover and his best friend and I throw up in the bucket that I keep for just such an occasion.

Ramona puts on a red wig and screams that she wants bigger diamonds at Bawby.  It is gauche and obnoxious but I hate Jill so who cares.

Luann comes down the stairs dressed like a drag queen from “Viva Las Gaygas” and “sings” to Jill.  Farm animals begin to wail in the Upstate, and no one knows why.  She “sings” that “It’s Almost Like Being In Love” song and she just changes the last part to “With Jill” instead of “In Love” and Jill says, “Oh My God, she wrote it.”  Yes, those are indeed some mind-bending composition skillz there.

So they are picking a dress for Victoria and she is going for the sluttiest ones they’ve got and Luann is freaking out.  She comes out in a dress that looks like a figure skating costume after being mauled by lions and Luann lurves it.   Now Luann is looking for her own dress and acting like she wasn’t really there for herself in the first place.  Victoria has now chosen a dress that shows her 16-year-old vagina to all and sundry.  It is such a special evening when your daughter shows the world her twat for the first time.  Congratulations, Luann.

Now a hypnotherapist is arriving at Alex and Simon’s bordello.  Simon has started smoking after stopping last year.  He’s getting all weepy while he talks about how he’s doing this for her, for the boys, for him and then he goes to have his last cigarette.   The hypnotherapist assures Alex that it will be his last cigarette forever.  Simon says this guy is supposed to have a 60% success rate and he doesn’t know if that is good or bad.  Good choicing skills, there, Simon.  As he is being taken under his face gets droopier and droopier.  Now the guy is just yelling at him “You are a non-smoker!”  The whole thing lasts like 30 seconds.  No way in hell did that work.  Simon says he needs to brush his teeth.  He is acting like it really worked.    They’ll call him to set up a meeting for next week.  Wonder how much this little grifter is charging to pretend to make nonsmokers out of rich people.

So Avery is out with her friends and talking about her party.  She is talking about the boys she invited.  I can’t wait to see what Avery is going to wear.  She is such an uptight prig, I’ll bet she won’t be taking her vagina out to take the air.  One of the girls gets weird and says, “You should invite Justin Beiber and Katy Perry” and Avery looks at her disdainfully and says, “Yeah, they’re probably in town.” Huh?  Girl, you ain’t got that kinda pull.

Oh God, here are Cindy and Alex having their workout together.  The trainer is making fun of Cindy’s jacket.  He takes it away from her because it is so ugly.  Then he makes fun of her B.O. which is infused in the jacket.  He is my new hero.

WWHL is going to have Jill Zarin and Adam Carolla.  Miss Andy better be calling the secret word a lot to get us through that.

Ramona and Avery arrive at her Sweet 16 venue where it is actually snowing.  It does look cool.  Mario is worried that the kids will be making out on the divans they have around.  Uh oh, Ramona just heard they haven’t delivered the wine yet.  There are 200 16-year-olds being supervised by 30 drunken friends of Ramona and Ramona herself, who will be drunk before she gets there.

Now we’re at slutty Victoria’s party with the fire eater and the acrobat hanging from a sheet—I have no idea what that’s called.  Kelly says Victoria is so cool and she is going to be a Marc Jacobs muse or working for French Vogue in 5 years. 

Jill is saying that she had to go to both parties.  She is acting like this is a great tragedy.

Avery’s nervous, as she should be, about the fact that all of her mother’s drunken friends are coming.  All of her friends tell her they will keep her parents occupied, specifically that they will dance with Mario.  I’ll bet the girls all flirt with him.

Jill and Sonja are talking at Ramona’s…I mean Avery’s party and Jill can’t find a napkin.  Again, this takes on massive importance.  Then Jill starts busting Ramona’s balls about her party as opposed to Luann’s.  Then Ramona gets defensive that this is nothing like a club, which Luann’s party was.

Kelly says that Avery can’t talk to Ramona like she can to her (Kelly).  This is bullshit.  All Avery said was that she wished her mom and her drunken friends would go to the separate grown-up section.  And I’ve seen Avery call her own mother a whore before on this show, so you can’t make me believe she can’t tell her to get her friends out of there.  And two seconds later she proves me right when she dismisses Ramona and her drunk ass hos up out of the party.

Jill and Kelly work so hard to try to diss on Ramona and talk her down.  Oddly, though, they are spending the bulk of the evening at that party rather than at Luann’s.  Not sure why other than they felt like they’d get more camera time standing around talking trash than they would being at Luann’s party behaving like humans.

Luann says no 16 year old would want their parents at their party the whole time so SHE LEAVES HER 16 YEAR OLD WHOSE LADY PARTS ARE SHOWING IN A ROOM FULL OF OTHER 16 YEAR OLDS AND THAT ROOM IS DARK AND THERE IS LOUD MUSIC AND WTF?  She has got to be kidding with this.  Is there no adult supervision?  It’s about to get Lord of the Flies up in that club.

Now we’re back at Avery’s party and Bawby is confronting Simon about something.  He said that Simon is actively involved with a hate blog that is writing stuff against Jill.  He gets all Tony Soprano and says he is protecting Jill.  It is kind of scary.  According to the previews, going forward that is going to be a main focus and Simon is kind of creepy.  Quelle surprise.