Ya Habibi!

Previouslies on RHoNY—Everybody is a big ol’ bitch, especially that Cindy.  I guess being around all those cunts makes you one, too.

So they’re still in Morocco and Jill is crying and shaking and complaining to the Countess about Ramona.   Oops, there’s Kelly.  She looks super-confused.  OMG, that pulled-back ponytail Jill has in the new confessionals is so obnoxious.

“She’s never going to have the satisfaction that she wants from Ramona….No one is.”  This from Kelly.  Maybe Ramona doesn’t have to give you satisfaction, bitch.  Maybe Ramona just gives herself and Big Mario satisfaction.  Now The Countess is bitching at her, too.  Now Drunk Sonja is trying to get Luann out of the room, because The Countess is going to make Ramona go bananas(er).

Now that was interesting.  Luann said, “I don’t want to do this.  Jill just downloaded on me and I don’t want to do this.”  It’s almost like Luann doesn’t want to be in the middle of everybody’s drama.  That would be good if it were true.  Also, I like “downloaded” as a verb meaning that someone just emotion-vomited all over you.  It’s nice.

Ramona is acting so weird.  I think she’s trying to be calm but there is so much of her mania peeking through that it is just coming off bug-eyed and ticky.  Kelly, on the other hand, is cool as a cucumber.  Damn, those must be some good meds they’ve got her on.

Red Sonja says they are moving on and letting go.  That’s good.  What these hos need is some pot, not some pinot.  They need something to calm they asses down.

Now belly dancers with candles on their heads are coming down the stairs of this restaurant that is in Morocco but looks like some kind of pseudo-industrial restaurant in Orange County.  Luann thinks the belly dancers are “incredibly sexy.”  Maybe the countess is looking for some hot, Moroccan poon-tang.  You go, Countess.  Ramona is putting money in the lady’s panties.  WTF?  Ramona just felt that lady up. 

Alex is trying to be sexy and convince us that she is interesting.  As usual, I remain unconvinced.  Good try, though.  Something about dancing on the tables?  IDK.

Oh, shit, here’s Mustafa the mother-fuckin’ tourguide.  I hate his ass and his hoodie.  Jill is happy Ramona went back to the Riad to rest.  Now Mustafa is telling some porny story about some potentate and his harem.  Cindy has a lot of questions.  I think she wants to be in a harem.  Good luck, Cindy.  Sonja thinks Mustafa is hot.  Sonja, we part ways here, dear.  I love you but you are hard up if you think Mustafa is an option.

Now a montage of Jill asking so many questions Mustafa almost loses his sunglasses.  Jill is now saying that she would be in a harem so she could just have sex once a month.  Really?  Is Bawby giving it to you all the time now?  Doubtful.  I’m pretty sure he might like to go to the deli once in a while, but mounting Jill is probably not something he is clamoring for.

Now Ramona is talking about how she and Jill have never been friends really and now they will never resolve things.  She is “sick” about it.   Alex is saying some stuff to try to make her feel better, but Ramona is enjoying being sad, I think.  I love the shit out of Ramona.  I know that is an unpopular stance, but I think Ramona is funny and ballsy and had a terrible childhood and now enjoys the shit out of her money and status.  And what everybody bitches about—that she’s extremely in-your-face with her criticism—is what I like.  Isn’t that better than that two-faced hypocrite Jill?  Apparently not because everybody seems so down on Ramona.

Henna tattoos.  Oh Lord.  I always think rich white girls look so stupid with these.  That’s not to say I won’t get one some day…errk!  Sonja and Ramona slept together?  I think they mean literally slept, but wouldn’t it be interesting if it was “slept”?  Alex is now confronting Luann.  Luann is having none of it because it would interrupt her henna session.  Alex is having a panic attack.  You know how she loves to come in and make a big scene.  Kelly said, “You’re acting weird; it’s inauthentic.”  Then she does a bit where Alex is Alexa at Northwestern on stage.  I guess she’s saying Alex is a drama queen but it is stupid looking how she does it.

Okay, turns out Alex wants to confront Luann who dismisses her ass tout de suite.  Kelly is cutting Alex off and talking more about her being “crazy weird” [Hello, pot?  This is kettle.  You’re black.]  Alex and Luann—Alex yelling and Luann being super passive aggressive and pretending to be interested but then being super dismissive.  “Go back to the cabinet you came out of.”  WTF?  Ending a sentence with a preposition and talking about a cabinet?  Is Alex some china?  Or a tchotchke?

Now Luann has left and Kelly is yelling at Alex and it is tiresome.  I really resent that Kelly is the most rational one and the one I agree with most.  In addition, Alex only gets in the middle of these confrontations so she gets camera time because she doesn’t have any real action going on.

I think Ramona and Sonja are doing a little muff-diving.  They are old ‘80s cokeheads and I think they are up to their old tricks.  They are sneaking off somewhere.

Kelly is freaking out and saying “It’s weird” over and over and bitching because somehow Alex coming in ruined her tattoo.  Now she is Shushing Alex and telling her first to close her eyes then open her eyes.  I spoke too soon about Kelly being medicated.  She is acting odd, now.

Ramona and Sonja are wandering around and looking at clothes and Ramona has some curlers in her hair.  They are picking up their outfits that were made for them.  Ramona was a bitch to that designer, and I think he took it out on their dresses.  Now Ramona is trying to fly in her caftan.  Now the designer is laughing.  He’s good natured.  I would knock those bitches out. 

Now Jill has some ridiculous looking hair and she is pissed.  Kelly is saying that Alex is not angry, she’s sad.  Way to tell people how to feel, Kelly.  I guess they taught her that at the booby hatch. 

So Ramona and Sonja and Alex are holed up in Ramona’s bedroom and chillin’.  Ramona is saying that Alex has hives because she got so upset about Luann.

So the brunettes are having dinner, but the blondes asked the staff to bring the food to their rooms.  Luann says that they didn’t ask her permission to do that, so they are not going to have anything sent to them.  So the brunettes are going to eat everything themselves.  Now the dinner table conversation is going to be a recap of everything that we just watched.  Great.

Now Alex came in and everybody is yelling at her for being late to dinner.  Alex says she didn’t know dinner was for 8:00.  They are scolding her and they are such bitches.  I don’t know what the hell kind of entitled bitches these are.   I’ve been watching since S1 and their horrible cuntiness never ceases to amaze.  Now they have driven Alex out of the room and they are literally escorting her out and acting like it’s all because of her.  Kelly takes her out and Alex astutely observes that Kelly, when she is uncomfortable, shuts down all conversation. 

Now floppy Cindy is trying to make supportive noises but in the talking head she says she has never seen women act this way.  Ramona and Sonja  come in and Luann tells them that dinner is over and the kitchen is closed.  Sonja and Ramona and Alex all say that they didn’t know what time dinner was.  Luann is completely sure that everyone knew.    So Luann marches out and Kelly starts doing all her crazy bullshit.  She tells Ramona to go and eat crow with Luann.  Ramona says she will but when Luann starts her bullshit she is walking away.  This should go well.

Ramona goes in but Luann is super shut down.  No matter what Ramona says to try to explain Luann just shuts her down.  Ramona says Luann is the “R. A. of the Riad.”  That’s so awesome.  Luann keeps saying, “This is not the Plaza Hotel.”  Well, shit, then why the fuck didn’t y’all go to the Plaza for vacay?  Why the fuck you gonna take this busload of bitches to someplace where they can’t get a goddamn cheeseburger when they want one?  So then Luann says, “I’m here for you if you need me.”  What?  Ramona, rightly, says, “Who’s she trying to kid?  She just wants the psychic to be right and for me to have a bad time.”  That’s why everybody hates Ramona.  She does whatever the fuck she wants to and says whatever and never has to pay the price and that’s what people hate.

Now it’s the next day and they’re packing and Cindy is up Luann’s ass and saying how great it was to get away from her kids because her life with her 800 nannies and assistants is too fucking hard and she needed a two week break.  Fuck you, Cindy.  Just go fuck yourself hard.

Jill goes upstairs and kicks the blondes out of Ramona’s room so they can have another confrontation and talk about their feelings and caring and it’s such bullshit.  Jill says they are too hard on each other and too petty.  Amen, except change that to you’re too petty.  They are going to try to start fresh.  Whatever.  Ramona was surprised and pleased and “we’ll see what happens.”  What happens is you’ll trump up something else to be mad about.  Ramona keeps saying how “raw” she is.  It makes me feel like she is chafing a lot over there in Morocco.

Ramona is playing with her panties and talking to herself.

11:15?  This shit is super-sized.  Fuuuuuck.

Now they’re in some place where they are learning to cook.  Ramona can’t understand the instructor because she has never been past Soho.  Cindy hates to cook.  Cindy hates everything except bedazzling women’s vaginas.  Cindy loves the shit out of some sparkly vaginas.  Kids?  Nope.  Cooking?  Nope.  People from the waist up?  Nope.  Just shiny, sparkly pussies.

Alex fucking hates Cindy.  Finally!  Someone on my side and it’s boring ol’ Alex. 

Now they all know how to make a tagine.  Cindy doesn’t.  But she knows how to make a vagine.

Okay, they were just packing and now they are getting dressed up and all so I guess they packed the day before?  I guess they knew they would be too drunk to pack that night and too hungover to pack the next day. 

It’s their last night so Ramona and Sonja are having some racist Cleopatra eye makeup to go with their caftans.  Now everybody is going to do that.  How embarrassing.   Stop it you stupid white ladies.

Now they are trying to make us believe that all the men are out playing pool together and talking about their womenfolk.  Mario is saying “Show me what you got” to a lady pool player and Simon is twitpicing it so that Ramona is going to get it and think he is fucking that lady.  Bet she is raw, too.

Now they are having belly dancing lessons.  It is just an excuse for all of them to put on belly dancing costumes.  Jill thinks Ramona looks hot.  Oh, it’s just one of those short things they do to make you think the commercials over but it’s really just something stupid that they couldn’t fit into the narrative.

They’ve got their pretty dresses on and they’re going to dinner.  They are super dressed up.  Sonja got them in to some really exclusive restaurant.   It’s so funny because Luann kept saying she was the hostess and really Sonja is the one who got them into all the good places.

Jill thinks Kelly’s boobs are great.  Cindy is just trying for a crotch shot.  Alex tries to tell a good story about her feelings and they shut that shit down.  Sonja’s favorite thing is Mustafa.  Nope.  Kelly’s is running through the streets just like in Manhattan.  Jill’s was the tent in the desert.  Cindy’s was the camel because she likes all that vaginal stimulation.  Luann was the coach of the varsity softball team, she says apropos of nothing.  This is the lesbianest episode ever.

Wow, the coming ups on Real Housewives look like even more bitchiness and they are going to deal with Sonja’s bankruptcy.  Yay!  Check back in with us!