Ok…true confession? I already know who went home. I haven’t watched the episode because I was at work and by the time I got home, I was too tired to watch it but morbid curiosity took over so I looked into it and was SO furious at the results that I couldn’t stand the idea of watching it the next day and then I went to a wedding and now it’s either clean the bathroom or watch this episode, so here we are. I know that was, like, 19 sentences strung together but that’s the way it came out. I told you all of that to tell you this: I’m pissed and this recap will probably have just the tiniest whiff of frustration with Nigel and Co. for their blatant favoritism. Thank you for listening. I feel better now. Let’s kick it off.
Woof. Cat’s script-writer for tonight needed an editor. Verbatim: “Last night your top 10 couples put together a mouth-watering cocktail of dance. Like all good cocktails, it’s left us with a headache, which means 4 dancers are headed home. This…is So You Think You Can Dance.” What does that even mean? Also, her dress and her lipstick are the same shade of salmon. Was she a bitch to her wranglers this week (doubtful) or have they had to cut down on the wardrobe/writing budget to make room for Mary Murphy’s botox allowance?
Opening group dance: “Sinnerman” by Nina Simone. Plaid shorts, jackets and ties. Bowler hats. Slow motion then speeding up. Small groups dancing at a time while the rest are frozen. I like that it keeps it from looking too chaotic. 20 people on the stage usually looks like a big ol’ mess. One person has a suitcase and everyone wants it? Not sure. There’s some tumbling, a neat rhythmic section and then everyone is moving in slow motion toward the suitcase. Jess wins it. Huh. No idea who that routine belonged to. The concept was interesting, but I don’t feel like it really went anywhere, like it was building to nothing, ya know? Dave Scott was the choreographer. Not surprising, since I can’t really get a grip on his style.
Cat reminds us that Nigel set us up for an impossible situation of eliminating 4 people tonight. Judges are the “lovely Mr. Lythgoe” (ha, I love Cat’s subtle digs), Mary Murphy, and Debbie “New Best Friend” Reynolds. Tonight we have a dance crew called Rage and the musical guest LMFAO back up by Quest, a dance group that includes Hok from season 3.
Cat calls three couples to the stage: Sasha Fierce and Alexander, Missy and Wadi and Jail Baitlynn and Mitchelbow.
Missy and Wadi danced a Cha-Cha and Nigel, during his critique, talked about the bottom three couples and mentioned Wadi’s freestyling being enough to save him. Reminder: Wadi needed work, Missy is a Cha-Cha queen and Wadi gets to go home with D.R., which is the best possible outcome of any of this. Bottom three.
Jail Baitlynn and Mitchelbow danced a contemporary piece. Reminder: Jail Baitlynn was “punched” in the “face.” They sat in black and white chairs. Nigel talked about dance being the language of the soul. I vomited. Not bottom three.
Sasha Fierce and Alexander performed a mediocre hip-hop routine. Reminder: It received overly glowing reviews because it’s about soldiers coming home from war. Nigel crawled so far up his own ass that he was actually able to speak through his mouth again and talked about the fact that this show brings these important issues to light because I’m sure no one was aware of that pesky little war until this little dog-and-pony-show brought it to light. Suck it, Nigel. Alexander is crying at the RECAP of their dance . Of course not bottom three.
After the commercial break, Cat says something about it being the toughest season ever because of course it is. You know I’m irritated when even Cat Deeley herself is making my shit list. Nigel has information about this season’s prizes. What do they win? $250,000 and something having to do with dancing athletes and Gatorade and campaigns. Now we essentially have an ad for Gatorade in the middle of the show because they bring in a nutritionist (employed by Gatorade, bien sur) to tell them that they are eating like crap. It’s meant to be funny, but she throws away sleeves of Ritz crackers to talk about some bullshit Fit series that her company came up with to replace electro…bleep bloop.
The next four couples are Nick and Iveta, Miranda and Robert, Joracist and Taddpole, and Melanie and Marko.
Miranda and Robert did a hip hop routine. Reminder: They were f-ing woodpeckers. Nigel lied about Miranda being the best non-hop-hopper-hip-hopper on this show ever. Robert put his dance where his mouth was? How did I miss that? Gotta wait for results.
Melanie and Marko did Jazz. Reminder: They are so good that they can handle hats, lifts and shitty remixes all at the same time. They are the musical stars of today, says Debbie, and so I actually believe it. Will they be in the bottom.
Cat fakes them out and neither couple is in the bottom. Miranda is freaking the hell out and Melanie is pretending that she’s surprised, but you know she isn’t, but not in an obnoxious way. Just in a “we were great. I know we’re fine” kind of way. That leaves Nick and Iveta and Joracist and Taddpole on stage.
Joracist and Taddpole danced ballroom. Reminder: Joracist is a beautiful dancer. Everything looks pretty in starry-lights and Taddpole is a big surprise. Debbie had one too many martinis and (whoops!) compared Joracist to Cyd Charisse. Was it enough?
Iveta and Nick danced Bollywood. Reminder: Nick is adorable and Iveta is playing the role of “bad mommy” which suits her. Judges loved it and thought it was fun and entertaining, even if it wasn’t hugely moving or life-altering. To which I say: the judges pick the styles. If you aren’t going to be wowed by Bollywood on the same level that you are wowed by contemporary and the selections for the dancers are, in fact, random (which is horse hooey) then you are actually creating a situation in which they could get sent home for your lack of emotional response, especially since this is still in the stage of the game when the judges decide who goes home.
After last night’s votes Joracist and Taddpole are safe and Iveta and Nick are in the bottom three couples. Nick looks super nervous and Iveta looks like she is made of skin-covered steel and Cat goes into the mode that makes me love her by saying “I can’t wait to see your solos; they’re going to be great.” Just right in their eyes, like it’s just the three of them on stage. And you can see it working, especially on Nick. I love it when Cat just weaves her magic right there for everyone to see. Like her patronus just took a lap around the stage and blocked out all of Nigel’s death kisses, just for a moment.
We still need to find out who will join the two couples in the bottom. After a commercial, we have Ashley and Chris, Clarice? and Jess, and Ryan and Rickey on stage. Cat calls Ashley and Chris up first and Chris looks like he is just absolutely going to vomit, just right there on the back of Ashley’s neck.
Last night Ashley and Chris danced a Broadway routine. Reminder: Prison bars and potential conjugal visits. Everyone loved it and I actually remembered both their names today, so that’s kind of a big deal for them. Nigel is both a narcissist and a perv. Not bottom three.
Ryan and Rickey did a jazz routine. Reminder: It was “sexy” (trans: deeply uncomfortable). Mary made a joke. Nigel made a joke. No one laughed. Debbie needed a drink (I’m guessing) then made a small jab at Ryan about giving her all, as in all of her vagina. I hated the thing and am so sick of the overt Ryan bias. Let’s see if America agrees with my assessment of her over praised talents.
Clarice? and Jess did a contemporary piece. Reminder: Jess was a prince dressed like a police officer and there was a terrible song. Jess has control. Nigel was uncomfortable. Chemistry was missing for them. They never mention that this is out of Jess’s style because the judges love the contemporary pieces and feel everyone should be able to do them (are you catching that whiff of frustration yet?).
The final two dancers in danger are…Ryan and Rickey! YES! YESSSSS!!!! This validates my entire understanding of last night’s episode. The judges love Ryan and so will never dis one of her numbers, even when it’s flagrantly awful, but the voters can smell manipulation and do not like it. At this point if you know this show you know that she could go on stage for her solo, do the Macarena and still be saved by the judges.
Rage Crew is going to perform. Made up of 8-18 year olds. Choreographed by Tiffany Burton Rojas. It’s amazing to see, especially since the camera-work is, as usual, terrible. You should actually just watch it.
Solos!
Wadi: “Pon de Floor” by Major Lazer - Good tricks. Not quite as dynamic as we’re used to seeing, but the judges kind of guaranteed him a pass last night. Remember that.
Missy: “Move” by CSS – She’s got great musicality and is super-athletic. A bit too much of the “I’m so sexy” stuff, but it was an excellent solo. She’s a jazz dancer, so the quick, jerky movements really played to her strengths.
Nick: “Follow Me Down” by 3Oh!3 – Such a talented tapper and I love what he did with the song. Feels very modern, which isn’t something you can often say about tap. A fantastic solo.
Iveta (“looking sparkly” as Cat says. Ha): “Samba Rock” by Gennaro - I always feel badly for ballroom dancers during the solos because how much can they really do? To be fair, she shakes it like her life depends on it, and her hips don’t lie. That’s for sure. Cat blows her a kiss. Love.
Rickey: “Riot Rhythms” by Sleigh Bells – He’s a contemporary dancer, so you have lots of spins, giant leaps, some tumbling etc. It’s all very dramatic and it’s the type of dancing the judges respond to. The last 15 seconds of it are absolutely phenomenal; I’ll give him that.
Cat takes a moment to stick it to Nigel, saying “You’re in trouble.” Meaning: Not any easier this week is it, numb nuts?
Ryan: “Moving Mountains” by Usher. The music starts and she immediately falls dramatically to the floor and rolls around a bit. Then she’s up and making weird hand motions and spinning lackadaisically. It looks like she’s not really trying which means one of two things: 1) she’s not as good as the judges are saying or 2) she knows she isn’t going anywhere and so she’s phoning it in.
The judges go back to discuss who’s staying and now we have to watch LMFAO, but they do have Quest with them, so that’s something. Here, take a look.
That was ugly, right? More dancing, less “musical talent” please. Commercial.
Girls are up first. Nigel says they are unanimous. He cannot fault Miss for anything in her dancing. She did really well last night but had trouble with her partner (asshole). Iveta has graced the show with her talent and she deserves to be here. Ryan’s solo wasn’t her best; there’s more to see. She will have to do better if she stays. They are keeping: Ryan. So yes. Of course they are. Because, you see, Ryan is The Chosen One and a contemporary dancer. So they are sending the one ballroom dancer home along with one of three jazz dancers. Way to introduce the world to other styles of dance, Nigel.
Ryan is fake-crying everywhere. You know the kind when you scrunch up your face and hope a tear comes out because it’s appropriate. I hate her. She is skating by. New nickname: Not Tryan’. Recap of Missy and Iveta’s brief journeys.
Time for the boys. Based on solos and personality, Nick should stay. Nigel says Wadi hasn’t been given time to show what he can do on this show. Not. His. Fault. He didn’t think Wadi gave his best on his solo tonight. Oh, neither did Not Tryan’ and she’s safe, so he must feel pretty good right about now (whiff whiff). Nigel and the rest of the judges think that Nick is going to be a star and that he has a twinkle in his eye. Rickey danced the best that he’s ever danced in his solo tonight, supposedly. Nigel says they expect them to pull out everything that can do, which is why they are keeping Rickey tonight. So Nick, the only true tapper (Jess can tap but not extensively), and Wadi, one of two hip-hoppers on this season (they say Chris and Taddpole are hip-hop on the website, but they are actually b-boys which is something completely different) are going home and the contemporary dancer is staying.
That means that of the 16 dancers left, there are 9 contemporary dancers, 2 b-boys, 1 hip-hopper, 3 jazz dancers, and 1 broadway dancer. Hmmm, wonder what the judges favor? Wadi and Nick just want to get off the stage but they have to say for the video package, which is painful. They’re both grateful for the opportunity, etc. Nick is choked up. Wadi is choked up.
I’m over it and we’re out.
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