Cat reminds us that two dancers will be sent home tonight. She lies and does not know it. Welcome…to So You Think You Can Dance.
Army of dancers with canes wearing black. Lady Gaga song? Stomping. The canes are a Wade Robson thing, but this doesn’t look like him, plus the song is Lady Gaga and Wade is like 100% committed to Roisin Murphy songs. Who’s aping Wade? The routine is sort of rhythmic/ sexy military? Sirens. Kicks. Spins. Grabbing ankles. Very athletic. It was cool. I enjoyed it.
Cat’s wearing a mod hot-pink little number tonight. Very innocent. She could wear yesterday’s dress under this one.
Oh, it was Sonya on that routine. One of her better ones for me.
Judges: The same. Megan’s working a sexy-librarian vibe. Love.
Will there be a National Dance Day? Yes. July 30th. Three routines online (hard, medium, easy). Learn it then dance it that day via flash mob! Ok.
It’s a packed show. World exclusive of the new Lady Gaga video. Exciting Gaga-related news. Picture of Gaga grabbing Nigel’s butt. Nigel weighs his straightness against his gayness and decides to keep his mouth shut.
First three couples:
Melanie and Marko were Travis statues and made everyone weep. She’s currently wearing a dress that is VERY home-sewn. They’re safe. Obvi.
Missy and Wadi were devilish for the Cheesman and Missy is a beast. Are they safe?
Iveta and Nick did the dreaded Quickstep and everyone loved it. Are they safe?
Missy and Wadi are safe and can move to the sub-basement..
Iveta and Nick are also safe in the least convincing fake-out ever. I think Nick is a little dumb. He had a biiiig surprise reaction. Iveta had a “girl, please” side-eye moment with Cat before the announcement. She and her leopard print leotard and sinewy thighs make their way off stage.
Commercial.
Good news, guys. Mitchell can dance solo tonight because the doctors cleared him! Done.
Ashley and Chris: Hip hop. Fun! We’ll see.
Joracist and Taddpole: African (not afro-hairstyle) Jazz. Dynamic! We’ll see.
The first couple in the bottom three is Joracist and Tadd. Ashley and Chris are safe. Joracist is wearing a red bra with one fringed-gold boob. Unflattering.
Jail Baitlynn danced with All-Star Robert for a Sonya routine. Impressive. Later!
Clarice? and Jess did broadway because they were under the Imperius curse. Later!
After last night’s votes, Clarice? and Jess are in the bottom three. Dark magic. Cat’s being our therapist. It’ll be ok…we knew people had to go. We knew it was going to be tough!
Keri Hilson is here performing lose control with a bunch of background dancers. She’s not even pretending to sing most of it. If this we’re real time, I’d bleep bloop. She’s wearing a chainmail skirt and a leather bolero jacket with boots, tights and a mesh top. She’s also swearing so much I fear for the stability of her wig. Also: song is terrible. Commercial.
Cat loves us as an audience and thanks us for voting. She makes me feel like I’m a good person. Thanks Cat!
Ryan and Ricky did lyrical hip hop and both are gods. Gods are safe.
Miranda and Robert were a couple of jive turkeys. Judges loved them. I wanted to stab Robert in the eye with a pencil. Wait for it…
Sasha Fierce and Alexander danced my favorite routine of the night. Judges wanted those weird things that make stuff leak out of your eyes. Wait for it…
Danger Dancers are Miranda and Robert. They are going to prepare for their solos with Mitchell, Joracist, Taddpole, Clarice?, and Jess.
Russian dancers doing Gopak as a special performance. Amusing pants. I understand that this is impressive, but I do not want to watch it. Cat tries to brush off the whole 90 second performance as an attempt at cultural relevancy but we all know it’s because this show’s audience appreciates a nice pair of rippling male thigh-muscles.
After the break: DFYL.
Mitchelbow is going to perform for us tonight. He’s dancing to “Say what you need to say” and leaping. What I need to say is, farewell sir.
Joracist - Nadia Oh “Hot Like Wow” – Gyrations, crotch shots, shimmying, mortifying her parents.
Taddpole – “Jump Jive and Wail” – Awesome, an entertainer, good musicality and a flash of abs at the end.
Clarice? – “Glam” Christina Aguilera – There’s literally nothing for me to say about this. It’s super boring and generic. Bye honey.
Nigel says everyone is incredible and he needs more superlatives in the English language to describe how amazing all those solos were. Wow. He’s smoking the good shit.
Jess – “Mr. Bojangles” – Spins about a million times, is generally amazing and high-energy, uses the whole stage and is clearly staying
Miranda - “First Time” Leona Lewis – Rolling around on the stage making lovey faces. Sure. Fine. Ok.
Robert – “Electric” Omarion – He is good at what he does as long as he keeps his mouth shut and doesn’t irritate me. Gets weird/ MJ at the end. Not my favorite.
Aaaaaaaaand, that’s it for the solos.
Lady Gaga flashback to Season 4 – “Just Dance.” Yes! Gaga will be guest judging later in the season. Here’s her new video for “Edge of Glory.” I’ll cover that over on Youthinahandbasket.blogspot.com, so stay tuned. For now, let’s just watch.
Now. Who’s going home. Nigel wants to talk about Clarence Clemons. Now he wants two of the boys to dance again. Mitchelbow and Robert are dancing again? Unprecedented? Cat is ruffled. They danced the same dances again? Idk. I’m confused.
She is shooting dagger eyes at Nigel as she ushers in the girls before the decision about the boys. Death to Nigel, says Cat. Let’s talk girls. Joracist is “one of the best they’ve seen across the ages.” Did I mention Nigel is a horny old man? Clarice? has a smile that would “melt and icecube.” Miranda’s elevation is remarkable and this decision is difficult. They have to wait.
He wants the guys back now. Cat is losing her shit. Like, for real. She calls for medication. According to Nigel: Jess is magnificent and doesn’t understand why he’s in the bottom. Because of Voldemort. That’s why. Taddpole is awesome and creative. Robert has a big personality that is great. Mitchelbow is amazing.
No one is going home this week, which is my least-favorite judge move. Someone was the worst. Send that person home. It’s not the end of the world, and imagining it is, is giving yourself too much credit, NIGEL.
Collapsing. Chaos. Cat, in the background, calls for a martini. A large one (no really). Everyone has rushed the stage. Hysterics. Rending of fabric. Blood is weeping from the walls. Two couples are going home next week. And we’re done.
Just as the camera pulls away, Cat leaps from the stage, limbs akimbo, swinging wildly at Nigel’s smug British face.
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